Hogwarts: A Twisted Tale
by Wallow
Summary: My summative project for drama, a short play written by myself and a friend. Contains extreme OOC-ness, obscure references, sexual innuendo, and complete nonsense. Rated T for Totally Messed Up.
1. Scene 1

­(A/N: This was my final project that we had to do instead of an exam, for Drama. We had to write and perform a production about bullying. Because my friends and I managed to get into to the same group, we came up with this idea. It was written, for the most part, by me and a friend of mine. It contains extreme OOC-ness, many references you won't understand, and sexual innuendo, so don't take it seriously. Yes, we actually did this for marks. Hope you laugh as hard reading this as we did writing/performing it.)

* * *

Scene 1

_(Scene Notes: Everytime HARRY POTTER's name is said, a recording plays of his name being said dramatically, accompanied by dramatic music. Whenever Harry enters/exits, a Harry Potter rap plays.)_

**Malfoy**: OH NO! HARRY POTTER'S COMING! RUN SLYTHERINS!

_[Enter Harry with rap]_

**Harry:** Get out of my hood, Malfoy or I'll Avada Kedavra yo ass.

**Ron:** YEAH.

**Malfoy:** LEAVE THE SLYTHERINS ALONE, HARRY POTTER! Or… Or… I'll tell Snape on you!

**Hermione:** Oh no you di-nt_ [snapsnap]_

_[Harry puts wand to Malfoy's face; sneers]_

**Malfoy:** SNAAAAAAPE!

_[Exit Malfoy]_

_[Enter Snape]_

**Snape:** HARRY POTTER, what is the meaning of all this ruckus?

_[Harry acts hurt]_

**Harry:** HE PRICKED ME WITH HIS WAND! _[grunts]_ He was too… Powerful! My scar was hurting.

_[Enter Malfoy] _

**Malfoy:** The half-blood lies!

_[Hermione and Ron step forward aggressively]_

**Malfoy:** Merlin's pants!

_[Exit Malfoy]_

**Snape:** Five hundred and fifty-four points to Slytherin. _[turns to Harry, Hermione and Ron_] ...And I'll be seeing you after class... HARRY POTTER

_[Exit Snape]_

**Ron:** YEAH.

**Harry:** Shut up, Ron.

_[Exit Harry and Hermione with rap]_

**Ron:** ...YEAH. _[Exit Ron]_


	2. Scene 2

(A/N: Second scene. Just so you know, Voldemort wore a dress for this. I was Malfoy, in case you were curious. The 'Cool/cold/so here I am...' part is actually part of a already written scene that we had done in drama previously, which is where that reference comes from.)

* * *

Scene 2

_[Scene opens with Voldemort frolicking in flowers then sitting down on a stump]_

_[Enter Malfoy crying]_

**Voldemort:** Mah boi. Why are you crying, child?

**Malfoy:** It's that blasted HARRY POTTER! Him and his muggle-humping friends.

**Voldemort:** Come hither my child.

_[Malfoy sits on another stump beside him]_

**Voldemort: **There will come a point in your life where you will get strange feelings and bodily urges towards other witches. Or wizards.

**Malfoy:** Wait, what?

**Voldemort:** I think it's time I told you how babies are made, Draco dear.

**Malfoy:** Yeah, yeah... I know how. Magic.

**Voldemort:** Yes. A very special magic indeed.

**Malfoy:** Yeah... But wait... That's not even what I'm talking to you about!

**Voldemort:** Oh. Uh... So…Uh…Who's playing in Quidditch today?

**Malfoy:** Hufflepuff and RavenClaw... STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT.

**Voldemort:** Right.

**Malfoy:** Now I forgot what we were talking about.

**Voldemort**: Oh.

**Malfoy: **Yeah.

**Voldemort:** Yeah. It's your aunt Bellatrix's birthday soon.

**Malfoy:** What are we getting her?

**Voldemort:** I dunno.

**Malfoy:** Cool.

**Voldemort:** Cool.

**Malfoy:** Cold.

**Voldemort:** So here I am. Practically an adult, right? Close to it anyway. Till you start making money--

**Malfoy:** BUT YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! HARRY POTTER is a flippin' frothy-hewn coxcomb!

**Voldemort:** We'll do something about that HARRY POTTER, I promise you Draco.


	3. Scene 3

(A/N: I was also Neville.)

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Harry:** That stupid Malfoy… Always ruinin' us. Callin' Snape and dem. Dat ain't tight yo.

**Ron:** YEAH.

**Hermione:** We should do something, HARRY POTTER. Something terrible.

**Ron:** YEAH.

**Harry**: Get Dumbledore on him.

**Ron:** YEAH.

**Hermione:** Nah. He'd do something stupid like tell Voldemort to put HARRY POTTER's name in the Goblet of Fire.

**Harry:** Yeah. Like that'll ever happen.

_[All laugh uneasily]_

**Hermione**: But seriously HARRY POTTER, we should consult someone to help us take down that Malfoy.

**Ron:** YEAH.

**Harry:** We could unleash the beast of Hogwarts! It's a big, huge, hairy snake!

**Hermione:** You can't be talking about…

**Harry:** The Basilisk? Oh yeah.

**Hermione:** But HARRY POTTER, it's impossible to tame the Basilisk that Hagrid keeps talking about! It could turn on us!

**Ron:** YEAH!

**Harry:** But with the help of summa my people, we could pull this off.

**Hermione:** Who'd you have in mind?

_[Enter Neville]_

**Neville Longbottom:** I heard what you guys were talking about! I'm telling Dumbledore!

_[Exit Neville]_

**Harry:** Yo that fatty be snitchin on us!

**Hermione:** Oh no he di-nt _[snapsnap]_

_[Exit Hermione, Ron, Harry]_


	4. Scene 4

(A/N: Dumbledore is supposed to be like an old person trying to be cool, in case you couldn't tell. Also, the Chamber of Secrets is opened in the girl's washroom, hence the scream when Dumbldore enters the first time.)

* * *

Scene 4

_[Start with Dumbledore busily making potions Downstage Right]_

_[Enter Neville, followed by Harry, Ron, and Hermione]_

**Neville:** Dumbledore! Dumbledore! These hooligans were gossiping. They're planning to beat up Draco Malfoy!

**Dumbledore:** …EXCELLENT! May I join you hipsters? We'll keep it real. I'll get the rest of the Gryffindors!

**Neville:** My nan doesn't approve of this poppycock! This is absurdity! This is blasphemy! This is madness

**Dumbledore:** MADNESS? THIS IS HOGWARTS! _[blasts Neville offstage with a spell]_

_[Exit Neville]_

**Harry: **Dang yo.

**Dumbledore: **Word. So how are we gonna deal with that Malfoy kid?

**Hermione: **We're getting the Basilisk up in his grillz, yo.

**Ron: **Yeah.

**Harry: **'Mione, you go and set up dat Basilisk and stuff.

_[Exit Hermione]_

**Dumbledore: **Alright, yo. Call that Malfoy and tell him to skedaddle over to the CHAMBER OF SECRETS. In the meantime, we'll go and open it ourselves... YO.

**Harry: **Alright, Imma link Malfoy right now, iight?

**Dumbledore: **Coo'.

_[Exit Dumbledore, Harry and Ron]_

_[Beat]_

_[Enter Dumbledore, Harry, and Ron]_

**Harry **[on cell]**: **Yeah Malfoy. I really think we should talk. We've been having some problems, I know. And anything you've done, don't worry. Iz coo'. So meet me in the Chamber of Secrets. We've got some talking to do, iight? Yo. Easy.

**Dumbledore: **Here we are youngsters. The CHAMBER OF SECRETS!

_[Exit Dumbledore]_

_[Girl screams offstage]_

_[Enter Dumbledore]_

**Dumbledore: **So that wasn't the Chamber of Secrets… BUT NOW. Behold! The CHAMBER OF SECRETS!

_[Exit Dumbledore]_

**Harry: **Yo that shizz iz crunk.

_[Exit Harry]_

**Ron: **YEAH!

_[Exit Ron]_


	5. Scene 5

(A/N: I'm not sure if what Voldy and Luna say are similes or metaphors, but I don't really care either. For some reason, the 'You mean similes' cracked up my friend so much.)

* * *

Scene 5

**Malfoy: **Voldemort! I just go off the phone with Harry! You were right! He wants to make things better! Can you believe it? No more shoving me aside, teasing me, arguing about politics! It's over! IT'S OVER!

**Voldemort: **I told you everything would work out, child. The coffee is always richer with four spoons of milk.

**Malfoy: **What the hell is that supposed to mean?

**Voldemort: **I don't know.

**Malfoy: **…

**Voldemort: **Oh! Child! I almost forgot! I'm going to go volunteer my precious time at the local retirement home. It's bingo night! I'm caller!

**Malfoy: **But what if this is all a trap?

**Voldemort: **You think they'll set the Basilisk on you or something?

**Malfoy and Voldemort: **NAAAHH.

**Malfoy: **But who's coming with me?

**Voldemort:** Luna Lovegood.

**Malfoy: **That was random. How'd you come up with her?

**Voldemort: **When you cut your grass short, it grows back with brussel sprouts.

**Malfoy: **Yeaaaahh. Right. Nevermind.

_[Exit Voldemort]_

_[Enter Luna]_

**Luna: **Hey Malfoy.

**Malfoy: **Where'd you come from?

**Luna: **When the heavens bless the child who always tied their shoes with bunny ears, their heart turns orange like the sun's four moons.

**Malfoy: **Oh lord. What the hell is with these bad similes?

**Luna: **You mean similes.

**Malfoy: **I just said that.

**Luna: **Oh.

**Malfoy: **I meant metaphors, sorry.

**Luna: **You mean similes.

**Malfoy: **Let's just go.

_[Exit Malfoy and Luna]_


	6. Scene 6

(A/N: This is where Pokemon comes in. The joke with the end of the Team Rocket speech is that Dumblodore has a really long name-Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore-- so while he's saying it, everyone else just talks over it. Also, we had Pokemon battle music for the Pokemon battle, and the Mortal Combat theme for the fight.)

* * *

**Scene 6**

**Harry: **Are we all good?

**Ron: **YEAH.

**Dumbledore: **He's coming! He's coming! Hide!

_[Enter Malfoy and Luna]_

**Malfoy: **So what did the robot say to the centipede?

_[Luna shrugs]_

**Malfoy: **STOP BEING A CENTIPEDE!

**Luna: **My turn! My turn!

**Malfoy: **Okay…

**Luna: **What did the spoon say to the telephone?

**Malfoy: **What?

**Luna: **Firstly, the spoon made sure to tell the telephone that his meat was overcooked, followed by some sharp slaps to the bottom. She told him that the sun gods were unhappy with his breeding of livestock and told him to grow three corn fields and pluck every cob, sacrificing it to the volcano god. In conclusion, you should never plug your USB in to a chicken's anal entrance. But of course that is to say…

_[Exit Luna]_

**Malfoy: **Yeah. Right.

_[Quiet talking offstage]_

**Malfoy: **What was that?!

_[Enter Harry, Ron, and Dumbledore]_

**Harry: **Prepare for trouble!

**Dumbledore: **And make it double!

**Harry: **To protect the world from devastation!**  
**

**Dumbledore:** To unite all peoples within our nation!

**Harry: **To denounce the evils of truth and love!

**Dumbledore: **To extend our reach to the stars above!

**Harry: **Harry!

**Dumbledore: **_Albus_ Perci--

**Harry: **Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!

**Dumbledore: **--lfric Brian_--_

**Hermione: **Hermione! That's—

**Dumbledore: **Dumbledore!

**Malfoy: **HARRY POTTER!

_[Malfoy runs over to give Harry a hug, knocking Dumbledore offstage]_

**Harry **[stops Malfoy with hand]**: **Whoawhoawhoawhoa.. Hold it there. I ain't here to make peace with you boi. There's gonna be some shizz goin on down here, iight?

**Ron: **YEAH!

**Malfoy: **What do you mean?

**Hermione: **He means that we gonna send a Basilisk so far up, you gonna find Christmas presents.

**Malfoy: **You mean... You're going to beat me up?

**Ron: **YEAH!

**Harry: **BASILISK! I CHOOSE YOU!

_[Enter Basilisk]_

**Malfoy: **Oh yeah? Well I choose—

_[Enter Voldemort]_

**Voldemort: **VOLDEMORT!

**Harry: **Basilisk! Use Eye Attack!

_[Basilisk uses eye attack]_

**Malfoy: **Voldemort! Dodge then use Bingo chips!

**Voldemort: **AHHHHHHHHH!

_[Voldemort charges over at Basilisk and then sprinkles bingo chips lightly]  
_

**Basilisk: **AMG. MAH EYES.

_[Basilisk runs offstage, holding eyes]_

**Harry: **No! No! Malfoy, I can't believe I lost! You may be able to beat me in a Pokémon battle but you can't beat me in…

_[Enter Dumbledore]_

**Dumbledore: **FIST-TO-FIST COMBAT! FIIIIIGHT!

_[Exit Dumbledore]_

_[Harry and Malfoy create dramatic fight sequence, and finally Malfoy pokes Harry's eyes]_

**Harry **[Clutching Eyes]**: **YOWWWW!

**Malfoy: **Surrender HARRY POTTER! It's over and you know it!

**Harry: **Okay! Okay! I'm sorry!

_[Harry sighs]_

**Harry: **Truth is, Malfoy, the only reason we picked on you and your Slytherins is because... Well... We're loners. Have you ever seen us hanging around with anyone?

**Malfoy: **You guys have Hagrid. And Dumbledore.

**Harry: **Yeah. A hairy giant and an old geezer. Fun.

**Malfoy: **So you were doing all this because… You were… Jealous?

**Harry: **JEALOUS? PSHAW. NO. I mean… Like… NOT JEALOUS JEALOUS… But y'know… Somewhat half than a quarter envious… JEALOUS? AHAHA. JEALOUS. PSH. NO.

**Malfoy: **It'd be much easier to admit it.

**Harry: **NEVER! Elementoi Gusungaga _(disappearing spell)_

_[Harry does not disappear, is embarrassed]_

**Harry: **Well this is awkward.

_[Malfoy extends hand, picks Harry up]_

**Malfoy: **This is school, HARRY POTTER. Slytherins, Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws… It doesn't matter what house we are. We're all witches and wizards and we should always treat each other the way we want to be treated.

**Harry: **You don't really mean that do you?

**Malfoy: **Of course not!

_[Harry and Malfoy laugh]_

**Harry: **Well, I've got a detention with Snape so I better go.

**Malfoy: **Alright.

_[Harry is about to leave but stops near end, looking over shoulder]_

**Harry: **Yo Draco.

**Malfoy: **Yeah?

**Harry: **You're not too bad, once you get past the greasy, slicked back hair of yours and your faux Brit accent. I'll see ya around.

_[Exit Harry]_

**Ron: **YEAH!

_[Exit Ron]_

**Voldemort: **Everything worked out fine, did it not? I told you child. Flowers are unwilling to pay the price of death if love has forsaken the mother's own happiness.

**Malfoy: **Whatever you just said, you're probably right.

_[Exit Voldemort and Malfoy]_

**Luna:**You mean similes._**  
**_


End file.
